


What Benji feels

by britishbossy



Series: Benji and Ellen - an impossible love story [3]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Genderbend, Pining, Slow Burn, female Ethan Hunt - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-04-25 10:40:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22295272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishbossy/pseuds/britishbossy
Relationships: Benji Dunn & Ethan Hunt, Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt, Ethan Hunt & Luther Stickell
Series: Benji and Ellen - an impossible love story [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553824
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	What Benji feels

It doesn't matter where he goes, or what he does. Not even the fact that he almost died, twice. In the end it's all coming down to her. She's the constant voice in his head, telling him it's going to be fine and he desperately wants to believe it even though he knows it's a lie. It's not fine. He's not okay and perhaps he's never going to be again.

Benji has been trying his best to avoid Ellen Hunt for the past months. It was easy to accomplish technically because she had not been cleared for field work, yet, her injuries still too severe. Emotionally, it had been the hardest thing he'd ever done. Every time her name had popped up on his display he had had to swallow down the urge to pick up just to hear her voice. Each mission had been a constant comparison in his mind to how she would handle the situation. She was under his skin, inside every corner of his brain, there was no escaping.

He had long surrendered to the fact that his feelings for Ellen would not fade, only grow stronger. What had been a simple crush at the beginning caused by hero worship and poor self-esteem had morphed into a deep and undeniable love. When they'd first met she had been Wonder Woman impersonated to him. A strong, beautiful, independent being that made every tough guy pale in comparison. She was a legend in the IMF and Benji had been honoured to even be in the same room with her.

Then they'd been out on missions together and he'd felt like one of his biggest dreams had come true. He was working alongside Ellen Hunt, his role model and undeniable crush. There was nothing that woman couldn't do and Benji would watch in awe every time she kicked ass like a champion. It didn't matter how impossible a task sounded, she always worked out a way to do it. All that without a sliver of fear or doubt. She was clever, witty, brave, charming, the full package really. She was a force to be reckoned with and she had mastered every task so far. Well, apart from that one time when she had died. Benji's heart sinks whenever he remembers Morocco. If it hadn't been for Ilsa...

And even though, Benji was thankful for her being there he had also felt a constant stab of pain in his gut during that mission. Ellen had called him to help her out in Vienna and suddenly this beautiful MI6 agent had come across them and Ellen's focus had shifted towards her in an instant. It was just not fair.

Of course, he knew that Ellen and Ilsa would be perfect for each other. They both loved the thrill of the chase, the risks, the danger whereas Benji was scared as hell most of the time and average in his fighting skills at best. At the beginning he had tried to calm his aching heart with the fact that Ellen was a flirty woman, it was just the way she was wired. So, what if she flirted with Ilsa now and then? It didn't have to mean a thing.

However, his stomach had been in free fall in London when Ilsa had asked Ellen to come away with her and she had not declined the offer. For a moment there, he had thought he might actually cry. He couldn't imagine his life without Ellen, it would deprive it of all its colour and happiness. He would lose her even though he'd never had her in the first place. The idea of her gone, happy with someone else was simply too much to handle. Perhaps this had been the reason he had been too distracted to notice someone creeping up behind him.

Lane had been horrifyingly clear sighted in that department. Before Vinter had strapped the bomb to his chest he had questioned Benji, or more taunted him. Benji was still having nightmares about it.

“_Tell me, do you honestly think she would want you?”_

It was as if all of Benji's self doubts and fears had been given a body. Lane had known exactly what to say to get to him.

“_It must be unbearable for you, being so close to her. Close enough to be her friend but knowing that's all you'll ever be.”_

It hurt, oh god, it hurt. Because it was true.

“_Ellen doesn't know, does she? She has no idea that her best friend is lusting after her.”_

It had taken all of Benji's willpower to stay silent in that moment. He couldn't let Lane get inside his head. It would have felt like betrayal to Ellen. He had to be strong, that's what she expected him to be.

“_Do you ever think about her at night? When you're alone in a cold and empty bed? Do you imagine her touching you?”_

He had closed his eyes, his jaw clenched. It hadn't helped.

For some reason, Lane had let him be after that. But had been enough to get to him. He felt miserable and scared, yet he knew that she would come for him. Ellen had never let him down, she wouldn't.

When Ilsa and him had been waiting in that restaurant, he had tried to focus on his breathing. Perhaps it would be the last thing he'd do, after all. Ilsa had been watching him for a while before she had spoken.

“You love her, don't you?”

It had taken all of his willpower not to flinch or stare at her in shock. Was it really that obvious? And if it was did that mean Ellen knew? And if she knew but didn't say anything about it, did that mean that she was just not interested? Did she even care?

He'd swallowed down all of those horrible thoughts, he couldn't afford such dark images in that moment. Not with his life at stake, not with Ellen's life at stake. So, he had just spoken the only truth he had known for years.

“Yes, I do.”

It hadn't even been an admission. There was nothing new or shocking about it. And he wasn't scared either. It was a fact, it was just how things were, how they'd been for the past 10 years. He was a field agent. He was allergic to bees. He loved Ellen Hunt. Utterly and completely. He loved her saviour complex, even though it would surely get her killed one day. He loved her smile just as much as her frown. He loved that she kicked ass better than anyone he knew. Benji was done questioning it. He was done trying to fight it because it only got tiring. The possibility that Ellen would never return his feelings didn't change that. Trying to be with other women hadn't changed it either. Not that Benji was a ladies man to begin with but even if he got lucky he would only end up comparing them to Ellen. Besides, confirming to Ilsa what she already knew had been very easy for she had not been bitchy about it, nor had she tried to spoil it like Lane had. When he'd looked at Ilsa he had seen a deep understanding in her eyes, nothing else. Ilsa was kind. He had stopped himself from giving the question back to her. He didn't think he could handle it. Because Ellen was obviously attracted to Ilsa and if the MI6 agent felt the same, then...

He had swallowed again and looked away just to see Ellen emerge from the crowd. There she had been, dressed in her usual black leather jacket and jeans, her dark hair falling to her shoulders and her green eyes fixed on him in that intense gaze that always managed to make him weak in the knees. Like his personal dark angel who had come to protect him. Benji had felt an immense relief and the old aching inside his chest at the same time. He wanted to tell her to run, yet he knew she wouldn't. During the negotiation he prepared himself that Ellen's face would probably be the last thing he'd see. Some very odd part of his brain had whispered to him that it was kind of romantic. But he didn't want Ellen to give her life for his. Of course, she would do just that but why? Why for him? Why did he have to be the one she'd end up going too far for?

They didn't die, however. Ellen had got them out, making herself the actual target. Sometimes Benji wondered if she remembered that she was only human and therefore mortal. And yet, he had found that he wasn't always sure about that either. When Lane had been inside the glass box, he had tried to shoot her repeatedly between the eyes. She hadn't even flinched. Instead she had stood her ground and as soon as they had loaded the box into the van stepped up to Benji and had put her arms around him. It had been the first time they hugged and Benji had wanted nothing else in that moment but to stay in her arms for hours. The feeling of her body, solid and strong against his had given him the much needed power to carry on when he'd wanted nothing else but to crawl into a dark corner and sleep. Ellen was what kept him going.

After London, she had visited his flat for the first time. She hadn't bothered with a text or call, just had shown up one evening while he'd been in the middle of a Battlestar Galactica marathon. He had made tea, trying to hide how embarrassed he'd been about his very untidy home. Ellen hadn't seemed to mind, though. She'd always been good at concealing her thoughts and emotions. That's what made it impossible for Benji to figure out whether or not she possibly returned his feelings. However, every sign pointed to friendship, really. Sure, she cared for him, why else would she check on him, besides, she had said so several times.

“_Benji, I care about you.”_

“_Sometimes I just worry about you.”_

“_Just checking if you're okay.”_

“Benji, I won't let anything happen to you.”

As soon as those words had left her lips, Benji's chest had filled with that dull ache once more. Did she not know what she was doing to him by saying things like that? By making him a priority, making him feel important to her. The worst thing was that he knew she meant it. She had proven that much in London. However, he knew that she possibly wouldn't be able to keep that promise. Ever since Lane he was aware of the fact that he was the easiest target on the team and nothing would change that. Ellen always had to pick up after him, it was pathetic, really. So was his reaction when the White Widow demanded Lane in exchange for the plutonium. That name alone was enough to bring back that the feeling of a bomb strapped to his chest and suddenly it had been difficult for him to breathe. He had abruptly left the room, not wanting the others to notice his upcoming panic, even though they probably knew, anyways. There were trained spies, after all.

Benji had fled the room and sat down on the staircase. He had fought his blackening vision and his heavy breathing, desperately trying to calm himself. But Lane's voice had rang in his ears once more, mocking him.

“_Do you honestly think she'd want you?”_

He had closed his eyes and clenched his fists time and time again, telling that voice to shut up.

“_Do you think about her at night? You're weak! What could a woman like her possibly want with you?”_

Just as tears had threatened to escape his eyes, the door had opened and Ellen had joined him on the staircase.

There she had been again, checking on him like a true friend would. A friend. Just a friend, he reminded himself when she'd touched his shoulder, drifting closer and closer.

Their foreheads had touched and Benji had closed his eyes to keep himself from doing something stupid like kiss her or confess his love or...

He had tried to lean back but she had followed, their faces almost touching. Benji had forgot about Lane and the mission completely. His whole body had felt alive and hot, his heart, that treacherous thing had been beating so hard in his chest it hurt. The idea of kissing her had been overwhelming.

_Do it_, a different, much quieter voice had whispered._ It might be your only chance, do it! _

He had felt her breath on his lips, had smelled her perfume all around him. It made him weak every single time she stood too close. He found he didn't have the strength to push her away.

“Ellie, I...”

And then Luther had opened the door and destroyed the moment. He hadn't had the time to scold himself for messing this up so spectacularly, the rest of the mission had been an utter mess and when they'd finally reached Kashmir and Ellen had been dashing off after a helicopter he had found it best to look away, out of fear his heart might actually stop while he watched Ellen pull one of her stunts.

However, it had all changed when Ilsa and him had found Lane. The man was an ex agent and a bloody good one at that. In a flash, Benji had found himself with a rope around his neck and gravity had suddenly been his worst enemy. Ilsa had somehow managed to save him but he had already been on the verge of death by then.

His vision had blackened out again and again, his whole body had hurt, the pain screaming at him that his life was in danger, danger, danger! But what had been most shocking to him was what he'd seen in front of his inner eye, only seconds, before Ilsa had cut him lose. Benji was aware of what people said. That when you're a second away from dying you see your life flashing by in front of you. But there had been no such thing.

He had only seen Ellen. Memories and inner snapshots of her smile, of her eyes, the way she moved her head, Ellen raising her glass in his direction across the room on the last year's IMF Christmas party, her laugh, her voice calling his name.

He would have died that day and the last thing he'd seen would've been her.

When the medical team had brought Ellen in, he had kept his distance. He was scared of seeing her again after this. Nonetheless, hurt and in the presence of her ex husband. Yes, Jude had been there, too making the situation even more unbearable. Benji had felt entirely crushed by the emotional weight of what had just happened and then he'd seen Jude sitting at her bedside. Ellen's eyes had briefly found him, checking (on a friend) before her focus had been on Jude once more. It was then when Benji had realised that he'd never had to worry about Ilsa or about standing a chance in the first place. Because Ellen was still in love with her ex husband. It had felt like his chest was collapsing. A heavy wave of hopelessness had clouded his entire being and Benji had left the tent and Kashmir, too, briefly afterwards. It had been a whole new kind of pain he'd experienced; a dull, numbing pain.

These days, he feels that when he is to see her again, he might crumble. He doesn't feel strong enough to keep up the facade of the good friend. So, he tries to move on, he sees his therapist regularly, does his job. When Luther and he are assigned together for a mission in Prague, he briefly considers wearing a scarf to hide the yet not fully healed bruises around his neck. However, he doesn't bother, for Luther knows anyway and the marks are fading. The marks on his soul seem to put up a bigger fight. He's jumpy. His sleep is light to non existent, resulting in a feeling of constant anger and hypersensitivity. Benji scolds himself every morning when he brushes his teeth, his pale, weary, much older looking self staring back at him out of the mirror.

_Pull yourself together, Dunn. You're a field agent, that's what you've signed up for! You can do this!_

Deep down he can feel the fear lurking, hidden away behind his self control and immense embarrassment. He failed. He almost died because he didn't see it coming and had nearly spoiled the entire mission. Well, all he can do now is to make sure it doesn't happen again. So, he optimizes his training, does his push-ups every morning and every evening, edging himself further until his arms give out. It's what Ellen would do, he tells himself. Fix herself in every way possible.

The mission in Prague goes like clockwork. They catch a poison dealer and Luther uses all his charm when they question him until the man starts babbling, giving them everything they need. That is, until Benji sums up his future for him (a nice, comfy prison cell) and the man gets angry.

“You little shit! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna strangle ya with my bare hands!”

It's an empty threat but it's enough. Suddenly, he feels the rope around his neck again. He hears Ilsa shouting his name and feels the wooden box beneath his feet slipping away. It's too much. Benji doesn't remember how he's managed to flee the room in time, before his legs give out and he sinks against the cold stone wall, his lungs clenching in panic. His bones feel ten times heavier than usual, dragging him down, making it impossible to move or breathe. He sees Luther crouch down in front of him after what feels like ages and barely hears his voice. Everything seems so far away, he isn't even sure if he's really here. He can't unsee the rat-like face of Lane, can't unfeel the rope tight around his neck.

“Benji, Benji, breathe. Slowly, slowly, man.”

When he comes to, Luther is still there with him, the dark edges around his vision slowly lifting once more. He's safe. It's over. He takes a few more deep breaths before he gets up on shaky legs, facing away from Luther, trying to hide tears his colleague has seen anyway.

He can feel the other agent watching him as he brushes away the wet trails on his cheeks before he brings a hand to his temple. His head hurts.

“Benj, you okay?”

He doesn't trust his voice, so he settles for a half turn towards Luther and nods briefly, his hands on his hips, trying to ground himself. He is alive and he can breathe. Everything is fine.

“You've talked to Ellen, lately?” He freezes and briefly closes his eyes at the old familiar pain that shoots up inside his chest at the sound of her name.

“No, why?”

Luther steps in front of him, his head tilted and his arms crossed.

“She still doesn't know what happened in Kashmir, does she?”

It takes all of Benji's self control not to flinch. Ellen can't know that he fucked up. Besides...

“She has four cracked ribs, Luther, surely she has other things on her mind right now.” He weakly defends.

“So, that's why you keep turning down her calls?” Luther raises his brows as if to make a point.

“I – have you been looking into my phone? What's wrong with you?”

“Didn't need to do that, Benj. Your face is an open book, y'know?” Benji huffs and looks away. This cannot be true. Luther is his colleague and friend, he's supposed to be loyal, not sneaky.

“Whatever.” He deadpans and turns to leave when Luther speaks again.

“She cares about you, Benji, more than anyone. Give her a call and settle this.” Benji turns back, furious now.

“Settle what?! What? She's healing, Luther and I'm out here, doing my job. What more do you want?”

“I want you to stop being a coward and talk to her.”

“Oh, yeah? You're right, I'm a coward for not purchasing something that's entirely hopeless. You think I don't know that? You think I haven't tried getting over it?” He stops himself before he can say too much, he wouldn't be able to stand it.

Luther sighs.

“Benji - ”

“I'm fine, Luther. I was cleared for field work and this -” He gestures vaguely towards the wall he'd been leaning against a few minutes ago.

“- this will go away in time.” Before Luther can object, Benji makes his way back to their interrogation room, his face set in a straight professional expression.

He's send on vacation after Prague for recovery. Of course, Luther mentioned his panic attack and his therapist has forced him to take at least three weeks off. Benji hates it. What else is there to do but to turn in his desk chair and do some (very easy) hacking? It's boring, really. It is word that Ellen Hunt is on a mission, again. Somewhere in Indonesia. Benji's doing his best to put that wish of learning more about it and check on her aside until one evening she's standing in front of his door once more. With her hands behind her back, her dark hair falling over her shoulders and her kind smile she's as beautiful as ever. Just looking at her makes his heart jump.

“Hi.” She greets and her gaze is so tender that Benji has to actively stop himself from kissing her right away. It's hard not to when he feels that she cares. She does, her actions over the past months have given him no doubt. But she cares for him as a friend, just a friend. And Benji has never felt so grateful and so sad about said friendship at the same time. Then again, his feelings for Ellen have always been ambivalent. Seeing her has always been both pleasure and torture. Touching her a privilege and a punishment. And whenever she reaches out to him physically or emotionally, Benji feels both incredibly happy and unbelievably sad. There is also a bit of fear. That tiny corner in the back of his mind that warns him that one day he might be too weak to fight it any longer. That one day his treacherous heart might overrule his mind and make him ruin this friendship that he values like nothing else and hates at the same time for exactly the same reason. It will have to be enough, though. He shouldn't want anything more.

“Ellen.” He answers dumbly and scolds himself in the next moment. _God dammit, Dunn!_

He smiles in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. He is dressed in jogging pants and the oldest jumper he owns, whereas Ellen's dressed as impeccable as ever in tight jeans, a simple white t-shirt and a black leather jacket, her skin slightly tanned from her last mission. She looks like a super model who just got back from a shooting, involving various motorcycles and lots of leather. Great, now he won't be able to look at her without seeing this image for the next hour.

“May I come in?” He blinks at her, suddenly remembering his manners and steps aside to let her in. As she passes him, Benji catches a whiff of her perfume and he barely resists the urge to inhale deeply. That very same perfume that he associates with life threatening danger and the warm feeling of safety. It's as ambivalent as her beauty itself. God, he has missed her! His gut is feeling too heavy, his head too light. It's as if he is drunk and he's addicted to that feeling.

As soon as she's inside she holds up a bag which she must have been hiding behind her back.

“I've brought groceries. Thought we could...you know, chat.” She chuckles nervously and although Benji loves the idea of Ellen stopping by just to spend some time with him he cannot help but wonder. Why would she be nervous? _Perhaps because you've been ignoring her for the past months, you idiot? _

It's when he realises that she's possibly not sure if she's even welcome. He needs to change that, for he feels delighted that she's here and yet, he had thought that keeping his distance would be safer for him. However, he knows that he couldn't avoid her forever. They're friends after all and Ellen looks out for her friends. They need to talk, they both know that.

Benji makes tea and they settle on his couch. However hard he tries, he seems unable to find a comfortable sitting position which is even more annoying due to the fact that Ellen notices. But she says nothing. Instead, they sit in silence for a while and Benji tries his hardest not to break under her observant gaze. She's checking him for injuries of any kind and he knows he cannot hide anymore. Ellen will see. The truth will come out for he is too tired to put up a fight anymore.

“How are you?” is what she begins with and he almost breathes out a sigh in relief that she doesn't ask about his weird behavior,...yet.

“You know how it is, busy, sleepy, mostly stressed.” She nods and pulls up her legs, folding them beneath her form. Her body is turned towards his, he has her undivided attention right now. Normally, he would feel happier than ever about it but with a gap of two months between them it makes him feel scared because Ellen won't give up until she's found the truth. Her green eyes keep scanning him, and he feels that intense look of hers burning holes into his facade, making it crumble more and more.

“You look well.” He tells her in a desperate attempt to make normal conversation.

“You don't.” Her face gives nothing away. But her eyes seem to soften a little bit.

Benji doesn't budge. He's aware of what he looks like. He's lost some weight, his face is pale and haggard. There are dark circles beneath his eyes and the lines upon his forehead appear deeper than ever.

“I know.” He looks down, feeling the movement of the cushion as she moves closer to him.

“Benji, what's wrong? Is it because of Kashmir or....?” She hesitates and Benji feels his stomach drop uncomfortably.

_You don't know and you're not supposed to find out. But I almost died and all I could see was you. I love you. I love you I love you I love you._

When he doesn't answer she shifts closer again, trying to make him look at her. But he can't. He can't look into Ellen's beautiful green orbs and lie to them.

“Benji, please-”

“What?” He growls, trying his best not to let his voice shake. When she doesn't answer he fears for a moment that he's been too harsh and he's about to apologise when she rises from the couch, only to crouch down in front of him, her hands finding his hanging weakly between his knees. Her touch is warm, familiar and grounding. It feels right. She's picking him up again, trying to bring him back into the light.

“Talk to me.” She requests, her expression an almost pleading one.

It makes Benji feel even more powerless than he is already. How can he lie to her when she's looking at him like that? Like he's important to her. Like he matters more to her than anybody else. His heart stutters hopefully, bringing back the same old ache he's been feeling for years. He returns the gentle squeeze of her hands and leans forward, supporting his weight on his elbows. His eyes fall to their joined hands.

“Why are you here?” He asks, finding his own voice quiet and soft.

“Because I worry about you.”

“I'm not your responsibility.”

“I never said you were.”

This makes him look up at her and he immediately regrets doing so. Her eyes have the ability to make him weak in the knees and he's grateful to be seated. When he looks away once more, he notices her gaze traveling down his face and lower. In an instinctive motion he wrestles his right hand free and lets it fly to his neck. He closes his eyes, knowing he just gave himself away.

“Benji”

He cannot look at her. He feels too ashamed. When he feels her hand upon his cheek, his eyes flutter open on their own accord. She's never touched him like this before, so freely and so intimate. And it takes his breath away.

“I know what Lane did to you. Ilsa told me.”

A heavy sigh of relief escapes him, even though he's not sure whether or not he should thank Ilsa. Then he remembers himself, pulls away from her touch and stands, stepping back from her, around the couch.

“It was nothing, I'm fine.”

He can hear Ellen come up behind him but she doesn't step closer.

“You almost died.” He turns at the sudden change in her voice. She sounds horrified, like he has only heard her once before when she was on the phone, begging him to help her save Jude.

“May I remind you which one of us has actually died before?” He asks defensively, crossing his arms.

“And how is my potential death any worse than yours?”

This catches him off guard.

“I didn't...This is different.”

“How?”

“It's just...You can't...I wouldn't...”

Every reason he might have possibly come up with dissolves into nothingness when she suddenly wraps her arms around him, holding him tight to her body. His stomach does a funny flip and his heart starts beating faster. All he wants to do now is to sink into her embrace and stay there until the world ends. His arms come up to return the hug automatically. Benji feels the heaviness of the past months lifted from his shoulders as if Ellen has taken a huge part of it from him to help him carry it. He can barely suppress a shiver when she leans closer and whispers into his ear.

“I'm sorry, Benji.” He freezes.

“What for?” He breathes back, not sure what to expect.

“For breaking my promise. I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to you and he almost killed you.”

Benji pulls back at this to look at her, his hands on her shoulders, keeping her at arms length.

“It's part of the job, Ellen. I told you I know what I signed up for.”

“But-”

“No!” He says, a bit more forcefully than he intended and steps away once more, recoiling in shame.

“It was my fault, not yours! I let him get to me, twice and I almost ruined the entire mission. Besides, you've had it far worse and -

“Benji”

“- I'm aware that I'm an easy target and I tried but I failed and I've disappointed you. I've let you down, you and Luther and-”

“Benji!” Her forceful tone makes him shut up.

“You could never disappoint me.” Her face is open and sincere and her honesty is so evident that Benji is at a loss for words. She blinks before she speaks again.

“Or Luther or Brandt or anyone at the IMF for that matter. You're a great agent and I'd always choose you over everyone else on my team. You're the best there is.”

A smile tugs at her lips and Benji just loves the way Ellen gets smug whenever she compliments someone. She's always had a way of making people feel great about their biggest insecurities and with Benji there's no exception. It's one of the many things that make his resistance crumble.

“No, that's you.” He answers weakly but he knows she's heard him by the way her brows furrow.

“You are. You saved the world.”

“We did, Benji.” She steps towards him once more and places her hands on his shoulders.

“You and me and Ilsa and Luther. We did this together. I am nothing without you.”

Her words make Benji feel warm inside but it is crushed when he remembers someone.

“Don't forget about your husband.” Ellen raises her brows at him.

“Ex husband. He's moved on, you've seen it.”

_But you love him, you always will, that's what I've seen._

“Yeah.” He looks down, trying to escape her too observant eyes. They remain like this for a while and Benji leans into her touch when he feels her thumbs slowly drawing up and down the lines of his shoulders.

“That's what's been bothering you, isn't it?” He looks at her, finding her green gaze filled with concern.

“What do you mean?”

“Me and Jude, back in Kashmir. You think I'm not ready to move on, do you?” A ball of panic begins to unravel inside his gut.

“Um, I, I don't know. I would never dare to -”

“I know.” She throws in softly, her fingers stilling only to grab his shoulders a bit tighter. She's standing right in front of him, their height difference barely noticeable. Ellen is shorter than him but only by an inch or so and standing so close, her face is taking up his entire view.

“I know, Benji.” She whispers and then she kisses him. Benji's pretty sure he's having an out of body experience. He doesn't remember closing his eyes, he has no idea when he started kissing her back or when his arms came up around her waist to draw her closer but that's exactly what he does. All of those bad memories, the guilt and the shame as well as his own mocking voice have fled his mind, leaving it blissfully empty. His entire being is focused on Ellen, on the way she puts her arms around his neck for hold, on her fingers moving gently through his hair. On her lips, the very same lips he's been dying to kiss for an entire decade, those lips moving tenderly, lovingly across his own. In the back of his mind he waits for his alarm to go off and wake him up from this wonderful dream. If it is he wants to sleep forever. Ellen's warmth is touching him through the fabric of his jumper, her perfume is all around him and her lashes brush against his cheek. He pulls her closer, deepening the kiss and his head spins when he tastes the inside of her mouth for the first time. In this moment he knows he's not dreaming. This is real. This is happening now. Even though Benji has trouble to process that information he doesn't want to stop. He never wants to stop kissing her. He feels a light laughter forming in his belly as he realises that this is everything he's ever wanted. It makes him giddy and he can't help but smile into their kiss.

Ellen pulls back and looks up at him, her soft smile mirroring his own.

“What is it?” She asks and Benji briefly takes notice of the light blush upon her cheeks, her wet lips and her dilated pupils. He lets out a huff, still not sure if they are really here, doing this together. Of all the impossible things he's watched Ellen Hunt do in the past years, this seems the most difficult one to believe.

“Just...God, Ellie” He stops to kiss her again and his mind seems on shutdown for he barely notices when she gently steers them into the direction of his bedroom.

When she lets herself fall onto the bed, her jacket and top are already off and she looks up at him without any shred of shame or fear. There's nothing but trust in her eyes, also when he leans down to kiss her again, his hands carefully, almost in awe beginning to trace over her form. Ellen is as athletic as ever and even though Benji has seen her in various states of undress before, this is something entirely different. She's in his bedroom, her body is spread out beneath him, ready for him to discover. He's shy at first, nearly scared to touch when just looking at her is making him feel hungry in a way he hasn't felt like in years.

But his doubts evaporate when she pulls him closer by the back of his neck and trails her hands down the front of his jumper and underneath. The feeling of her skin against his shoots a trail of pleasure up his spine and he cannot help but shiver. Taking advantage of his brief loss of focus and movement, Ellen pushes against him and switches their position before Benji even knows it. He stares up at her, leaning over him, just in her black bra, her hair beautifully mussed, her cheeks slightly flushed and her eyes glistening with something that threatens to make Benji lose his mind then and there. She smiles knowingly and leans down to kiss him again before she tugs on the hem of his jumper in an attempt to get it off. As much as he hates to break their kiss because, really kissing Ellen must be among the best feelings in the world, Benji understands and lifts his arms obediently.

The jumper lands on the floor, his pants and boxers follow, along with the rest of her clothes. Benji takes a moment to let himself feel it all, to revel in the way she touches him, warm and confident, like they have done this before. Ellen seems to know exactly what Benji likes, her eyes always on his face, constantly watching his reactions. When she finally sinks down on him, he believes for a second that the all consuming fire of pleasure is going to kill him. He's burning up and so is she. They start moving together, their eyes never leaving one another. Her movements are passionate, yet he can feel her holding back. Benji's having none of that. He sits up and takes her into his arms like he's always dreamed of and kisses her again. Ellen whimpers against him and sighs his name and he can't hold back the words anymore. He's sure he's babbling but whatever control he's had over his language before is gone.

He buries his face in her shoulder and squeezes his eyes shut as the flames become even hotter, burn even brighter between them, inside of them. He doesn't ever want it to end. He wants to bury himself in her arms forever. His hands are everywhere at once, mapping out her body while she's clinging to him like she's drowning. She tightens around him and lets out a pleading noise that Benji wants to record.

She pulls back, gazes at him and she looks more beautiful than he's ever seen her before. The most expensive evening gown wouldn't compare to her naked body. She's perfect.

“Benji” She breathes and he kisses her again because he can't not do it. Not when she looks at him like he knows the cure to the world's ills. There's also a part of him that fears that this is just a one time thing for Ellen and he might never have the chance to kiss her again after this, so he takes what he can get as long as she allows it.

Ellen gasps and her grip tightens on his shoulder to the brink of pain. He hisses, surprised that he enjoys her rough touch.

“I'm -” She breaks off and moans instead and Benji tightens his hold on her in return.

“Yeah, me, too” He whispers back against her lips before he kisses her again and then they're both falling. They cling to each other as if they would seize to exist without the other. Benji lets himself fall backwards and pulls her with him, not ready to let go, yet. As Benji tries to catch his breath he becomes aware of the almost throbbing heat in the room, the smell of sex strongly quenching the air. It doesn't matter.

As exhausted as they both are, they don't fall asleep right away. They lay arm in arm, their hands wandering, carefully mapping out skin. They refuse to leave a too wide space between any of their limbs which makes it hard for him to see all of her but he doesn't mind. Feeling her against him is enough. There are kisses as well, some soft and brief, others long and breathtaking. Benji feels sated but the nagging doubt keeps sitting in the back of his mind. Will she be gone in the morning? Will they carry on as before and never speak of this again? He has so many questions to ask her but he doesn't want to spoil the mood. He feels happy. And why not enjoy this feeling if only just for tonight?

Ellen stays. They do not actually talk about it. They don't give it a name. But she visits regularly now and stays the night just as often. There are evenings when they cook together and spend the rest of their hours on Benji's couch watching Star Trek. There are also bedroom, bathroom, living room and even kitchen sessions of sex. A lot of sessions. However, when they get assigned for their next mission, Benji knows they can't dance around the topic anymore. They need to discuss where they're going. If they're going anywhere at all. And it scares him.


End file.
